I always thought of what it’s like to be a mother? Like, is it really that difficult? To the extent that you have to make sacrifices. Oh, and not to mention, things I have been always hearing from my mom. And then I had my little sister. I was the eldest child in the family so I am expected to help my parents in taking care of my little sister. I was really hands-on with her. I learned basic things in taking care of an infant. Say for example, her cues when she was hungry, or when she’s sleepy and all those. I was with all through out her growing up years. Basically, I had an idea of what it’s like to be a mother because I thought it’s simple as what I did with taking care of my little sister. And then the time came where I had to work and earn to support my studies and to help in the finances of my family. I thought a little sacrifice of my sleep and time could go a long way. But, really, there are things you wouldn’t understand until you are in the same position.
So, I guess were all set, and let me share with you my journey as a mother!
I believe it all started when I saw a straight line and another faint line on that pregnancy test! I cannot explain what I felt during that moment when I saw the results. Though there were signs already. Like, I’ve been missing my periods, I am gaining unusual weight, I was always dizzy, I get tired easily and I just wanted to sleep all day. Then those lines just answered all the questions I had in my mind. But, of course, since it was all unexpected, there was a part in me that was saying that I hope that faint line doesn’t really mean that I am pregnant. I was already thinking of my parents’ reaction that moment, I was in tears while holding the pregnancy test kit. And then I stood up, hurriedly went back to Yomi’s room, and showed him the result. He was extremely happy that he was smiling all day. I do love him so much that somehow, I almost forgot the things I am worried about when I saw how happy he was. He gave me reassurance that he will not leave me, that I will not face everything alone, because we are going to do it all together! I did not tell him the things I was so worried and scared of. I just don’t want to lose that smile he has that day.
Then after a few months, I tried to live normal specially I haven’t told my father yet about the news. That time, my mom was in the UK because she had to work for to help in our finances and also she was fixing our dual citizenship too. Everyday was really a struggle for me. I had to wear loose clothes so that my father wouldn’t notice my tiny baby bump that time. Though there were times when my little brother would see my tummy when I was dressing up then he would make fun of it and would say “baby tummy?!” Like he was asking if there was a baby in my tummy. It freaked me out because that could give my father an idea! But I think he did not hear those things, or at least I thought. To add with my struggles, I had to not think of myself only anymore, I had to be careful with what I am eating, and I had to take my vitamins, and not to mention, I really don’t know how I can take those without my father seeing it. Then of course, I had those usual pregnant cravings. There were times that I was really on the verge of crying because if I am at home with my father, I had to be careful in asking those snacks I am craving because of course he would notice it.
Then the time came when my father confronted me and asked me what my problem was. I was clueless and was hoping that he was not referring about my pregnancy, but he knew already. He asked me who the father was and so I told him everything. Then he asked Yomi to come over to our house that time to talk about his plans. After they talked, my father did not speak with me the whole day. I knew my pregnancy hurt him. He was more concerned of what will my mother feel when she hears the news. Weeks passed, and I guess he already accepted it and he was already asking what fruits I was craving. Food that I want and would let me rest when he felt I was really tired. He told me I had to tell my mom the soonest, and that’s what I did. I called my mom on Facebook messenger, and told her everything. I was expecting harsh words from her, and that she would shout at me, I even thought that after I told her, she wouldn’t want to speak with me for a while. But none of those happened. On a very calm voice, she told me how I am coping up with things. I can hear her voice cracking and I knew she was crying while she was talking with me. She just said, she felt about it and before I even say the words, she already knew it.
Then everything went a little normal compared to the past few months after everyone in my family knew about my pregnancy. My baby bump was starting to show that time, and I can already feel my baby moving inside me. Let’s move forward to the moment when I gave birth.
I can remember that I was in so much pain that no words can suffice to describe it when I was in labor, and true to what every mothers were saying, you would forget those pain and discomforts once you saw your baby. I can still remember the feeling when I first saw her. I was still unable to sit for it was really still painful, but I couldn’t really explain that magical feeling. All I knew was that she needed me, and that I had to attend to her needs already. I can’t explain where I got the strength that time. And then I was able to finally sit, and carry her in my arms for the very first time. She was so tiny, she was beautiful, I can’t help it. Tears fell, but I am sure that it was tears of so much joy and all I can think of that time was the love I already have for her.
Being a mother at my age was really not easy. As you know, I am just 20 years old when I had her, and I just finished my degree that time. As what I have researched, I am included in what they call “Young Adult” stage. It is where an individual normally yearns so much in life. In my case, I wanted to achieve things specially in my career, I wanted to have adventures like what my friends had. To make it short, and to tell everyone honestly, I was longing for more than what I have. I was envy with my friends for they could do anything, anywhere and every time. I had to be away with my family too. I was a bit depressed at some point my life. I was always thinking the things I could have if I did not get pregnant at an early age. I would cry often when I started missing my family, and when I think of things I no longer have because of being a mother. I was so harsh that I blame myself everyday. But it came to an end when I got tired of crying and blaming things to myself.
I have so much to experience yet with this journey of motherhood, but one thing I am certain of, is that I do not regret the repercussions of my actions before. I do not regret having my Anastasia, and I do not mind sacrificing almost everything for her, all I have in my mind right now is to give her a future she deserves. If it means of me giving up things I really want and need, I would not have second thoughts of doing it. I actually learned so much with the start of this journey. I also get to know myself more and was actually amazed of the things I thought I couldn’t do but of course, I was able to.
To all young mothers who are reading this post, I hope you draw some strength from this and I hope I somehow inspired you. It is not yet the end of the world for us. We have so much time for all our goals and ain’t it fun to achieve things together with our little munchkins?
Shoot me a message if you feel alone, or if you want to talk about these things. I’ll be very glad to listen and help you.
Til my next blog post!!!